Dancing with Attraction V – Aikido

[On the aikido mat]
Dancing with Attraction V – On the Aikido Mat
She reaches for my throat. My eyes bulge. My body freezes. My internal reaction is immediate.
Ohmigod! She's coming after me. She's grabbing my throat. This isn't a game anymore. I don't want to play.
My right arm rises, rigid like a robot and keeps her at arm's length. We're locked, one straight arm against another.
She backs off and approaches once again. This time a smile crosses my face. My head tilts up and exposes my throat.
Go ahead. Choke me if you want to. Please notice, though, I'm not hurting you. Why would you want to hurt me?
As if she'd read my mind, she says, "I am not being your friend." and adds, with a straight face, "I am attacking you." No smile. No joke. No backing off. Her face remains solemn and serious.
A third time she comes at me. Her face is now two inches from mine. She stares directly into my eyes. I look right back at her.
Hey, you're too close. I wouldn't allow a friend in this far.
I say nothing. Instead, I look up at the far corner of the room. Again, she reads me. "I'm not going away just because you're thinking about what to do." I hear the truth and return. She retreats once more.
Now I'm angry. I'll show her. My face hardens. My shoulders and arms tense. I decide to muscle her down. This won't be hard. I've got at least forty pounds on her.
Come on! Come at me! I'm ready now. I'll show you who's in charge here. You asked for this.
Her fourth approach comes only in words. "If you fight with me, I'm going to resist you."
Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! She's caught me. I don't want to fight. Aikido's philosophy of non-resistance is the only reason for me taking up a martial art.
THEN WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
Nothing I know works. I feel frustrated and defeated. That's when I give up. All the energy I'd mustered to fight her drains out of me. Suddenly, she attacks again and a surprising thing happens -- she falls to the ground and rolls away.
What happened? I didn't do anything. I feel as if I am watching a movie. Maybe she feels sorry for pushing me so hard and has given in. I look down at my body and notice that my arms have fallen down by my side, my shoulders no longer hold tension and my feet stand firmly on the ground as if they belonged there.
She stands up and immediately reaches for my throat once more. Again I 'give up' and the same thing happens. Gravity takes over. My tensed shoulders fall. My hands come down on the crook of her arm and bend it. Again she drops onto the mat and rolls away. When it happens a third time, I am absolutely convinced that something else, something beyond my familiar strategies, works much better.

The only thing I could see was that, in my giving up, the energy I had used to tense my shoulder and arm muscles dropped down my spine, through my legs and into the floor -- and my attacker went with it. I gave up fighting and the fight was over. I gave up knowing what to do and the answer came. I let go of my 'normal' reaction and my body knew how to respond.
Another voice in me wasn't so easily convinced. Shocked, stunned and speechless, all it could do at the time was watch. Afterwards, however, it argued convincingly.
That sounds fine and dandy on the aikido mat, where all you have to do is handle one other person. But real life is much more complex, much more difficult. We can't just simply 'give up' and things will work themselves out. Life isn't that simple.
Yes, I knew the truth in those words. Yet, in sixty seconds, none of my familiar defenses worked. What worked was 'too simple.' I wondered if my initial reactions to the throat grab were similar to my ineffective approaches to this attractive woman dancer. I also wondered what would happen if I “let go” in dealing with this attraction.